10 WAYS TO MARRY THE WRONG PERSON

>1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after
>you're married.
>The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you
>can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now,
>don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually
>can expect people to change after their married... for the
>worst!" So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character,
>personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make
>sure you can live with these as they are now.
>
>2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on
>character.
>Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of
>the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust."
>Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's
>character? Here are four character traits to definitely check for:
>
>Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more
>important than personal comfort? Do I want to be more like this person?
>Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
>Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does
>s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does
>s/he do volunteer work? Give charity?
>Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's
>going to do?
>Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he
>emotionally stable?
>
>Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a
>child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
>
>3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a
>woman needs most.
>Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is
>the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus on the
>man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them. The
>unique need of a woman is to be loved-to feel that she is the most
>important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her
>consistent, quality attention.
>
>This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to sexual intimacy. The Torah
>obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual intimacy
>is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially when it
>comes this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on
>and off." Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears
>and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife
>very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving
>his wife pleasure, amazing things happen.
>
>4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goals
>and priorities.
>There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
> 1. chemistry and compatibility
> 2. share common interests
> 3. share common life goal
>
>Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals
>provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or
>grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're "living
>for," while you're single-and then find someone who has come
>to the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a "soul
>mate." A soul mate is a goal mate two people who ultimately share the same
>understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities,
>values and goals.
>
>5. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too
>quickly.
>Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem
>because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues.
>Sexual involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not
>inclined to make good decisions. Of all the studies done on divorce, sexual
>incompatibility is never cited as a main factor. It is not necessary to
>take a "test drive in order to find out if a couple is sexually compatible.
>If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and
>emotionally compatible,you don't have to worry about sexual compatibility.
>Of all the studies done on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never cited
>as a main reason why people divorce.
>
>6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional
>connection with this person.
>To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do
>I respect and admire this person?" This does not mean, "Am I impressed by
>this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone
>because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of
>creativity, loyalty, determination, etc. Also ask: "Do I trust this
>person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can
>rely on him/her?
>
>7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't
>feel emotionally safe.
>Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed
>with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this
>person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a
>really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person
>you marry makes you feel the same way! Are you afraid of this person in any
>way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are
>afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express
>your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship.
>Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you.
>
>Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is
>trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive
>person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you.
>There's a big difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions." A
>suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their
>benefit.
>
>8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table.
>Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for
>discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate
>how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the
>course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know
>now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find
>compromises that work for both of you?
>Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way
>for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't be
>vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
>
>9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape
>from personal problems and unhappiness.
>If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too.
>Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems.If
>anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with
>yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are
>single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.
>
>10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.
>To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or
>something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who
>hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic example of
>triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as
>work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you and
>your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle
>cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number
>one priority. And that's no basis for a marriage.